Sorry for calling out of the blue like this.
You probably don’t remember me, even though we both went to Bronxville High School, but I’m a long time Jets fan.
I was thinking of you the other day, when I happened by chance to read in the NY Post that you made something like 30 million dollars a year for being the NFL’s Big Man.
I was truly thrilled to hear this, especially since our families were once so close that you installed my long lost cousin in the Giants stadium broadcasting booth, probably as thanks for my father taking you to those Shea Stadium Jet games oh so many years ago.
And now look at you: living large in that mansion off Pondfield Rd, a mere stone’s throw from the very house I grew up in!
Anyway, about that 30 million, I was thinking, if you were actually a needlepoint stitcher for hire, ye Gods, you’d probably be making something like quarter of a million units per stitch, or something outlandishly grotesque like that.
Which brings me, my dear friend, and fellow BHS graduate, to why I’m calling you. You see this needlepoint e-commerce thingie is kind of going I scream to Eskimos, if you catch my snow drift, so I was wondering, could I have a job as an NFL ref?
I mean, I have as much football cred as any of those retired ex marines you seem to love to have on the sidelines, plus which I actually know the game, as opposed to clueless eye candy bimbettes, that you see on CBS, FOX Sports and the NFL channel, and I’m not even jonesing for one of those gigs. Oh, and I stay in shape by playing tennis with a pro every time I manage to sell a few canvases. So you pity me yet?
Okay so I know I’m not some hot, curvy 25-year-old (anymore), but hey, it’s what I know, not how I look that counts… right? Please don’t make me call Joe Willie about this: after all, not only do I have Nicholas Dawidoff’s Collision Low Crossers on order at Amazon, but I’ve had a thing for Broadway Joe since ’68 — oh those sleepy, bedroom blue eyes! — and we did, until recently anyways, share the same hairdresser in Tequesta.
So whatcha say?
Roger? You still there?
Erin McGrath and Needlepointland.com, 2012 – 2016